The Forerunner Times

"A life journal by Nathan J. Elias, called under God's grace to be His forerunner and restorer for His glory."

Artist: Sarah Brightman & Richard Marx
Song: The Last Words You Said
Album: The Very Best Of, 1990-2000

Somewhere in time I know,
Darling you’ll come back to me.
Roses will bloom again,
But Spring feels like eternity.
In your kiss it wasn’t goodbye.
You are still the reason why.

I can hear you whispering in the silence of my room,
My heart still surrenders like the sun to the moon.
I can barely stand this aching, burning endlessly.
“Love me now forever,”
Were the last words you said to me.

Comments:
I dunno why my mood is like this, and this just seems like the perfect song for my mood. I can’t find a place where you can listen to this song online, but I might try to think of something later so that you can. When distance separates and the mind goes blank, only a lullaby can soothe the aching heart’s emptiness. I put this song into my Winamp repeat song mode and I’ve been listening to this song more than 10 times today…..

Oh my gosh…

I have been trying all this time to lock the contents of my heart (wait, it might be that there was not even anything in my heart at all) but today my friends made me spill everything that is inside. I have been trying to hold back and plan to decide everything about this later after I have found out about my future in Singapore. I’m not going to do another long distance relationship so if eventually I have to return to Indonesia by early next year then I suppose I will not pursue the matter any further. For this reason I’ve tried to lock my heart and not let anything grow in there, because if it is true that I have to return next year and I have already grown feelings for someone, in the end, there will only be hurt, sadness and sorrow. So I closed my heart and hope the best will come, in time, from God.

But it so happened that over dinner today, don’t know how it started, the discussion started moving into the “hey, who is the girl you’re after” topic. At first it was not me who was being targetted, but in the end the ball went to me and everyone tried to pry a name from me. Do I like her? I don’t know. She seems like she is really mature and close to God while I am just someone insignificant who is still struggling with a dark past, and is only a three-years old newborn Christian still on a very long journey towards spiritual maturity. I always have low self-esteem when it went to relationships and a negative side of mine is always saying “there’s a whole lot of better guys out there, so why me?”

Then it striked me that a few moments ago in the past, the same question was asked by me towards God. Why me? There’s a whole bunch of better guys with talents and capabilities, why chose me as Your son? Why did You choose me and pulled me out of darkness instead of others? Well it was probably because God sees what is inside the heart, and He truly loves me. Maybe it will be very long before I can find true acceptance, someone who can truly accept me as who I am, no matter how dark is the past I have, no matter my weaknesses, she will be there for me, just like God has always been there for me. It is time for me to look for a serious relationship and stop fooling around. Surrendering this one to God, I hope the next one will be my final one, with me towards the end of my life.

I still don’t know why I am now thinking about her day by day, maybe that interrogation really opened up the locks in my heart (not Davy Jones’ locker, mind) and showed me what is truly inside it. I am going to miss her quite a bit though, won’t be seeing her for a while. Maybe it will be a good time to sort out my own feelings and ask God what He wants out of this and how should I go about this matter. My idea is to find a job first then think about relationships, but if God have another idea, then I am sure that it will be for my best and the good of me.

There seems to be a lot more to write, just now my mind was full, but now it is blank and I am speechless. It might be what I truly need right now. Be still, and seek God, for He said “be still and know that I am God”. Heh, I just remembered that I put ‘girlfriend for next year’ in my Christmas wish list -jokingly- several posts below. Maybe God is reading that post and now He is planning something for fulfilling that wish.

Must try to sort out my own feelings of melancholy and return to my upbeat self once again…

“Not because of who I am, but because of what You’ve done.
Not because of what I’ve done, but because of who You are.”

Another post of singleness lamentation…

Well well, sometimes I wonder how things can turn so fast, or maybe it is time that is moving so fast that I am not able to chase it anymore. Back then when I came back in July, these two couples were not there yet. But now, there are two new couples in the Latreia youth, Ipooh - Hermanto (confirmed) and Jambi - Medy (whether or not these two are a real couple or just TTM is still being questioned). It’s not that I don’t believe that things can turn out quick for love, but especially for the first couple, Ipooh just broke up with her previous boyfriend in June/July and now she got another boyfriend in September? Man… that’s quick!

Looking back, I broke up with Juli (the person, not the month) in July 2006. Since then I haven’t thought of it as a priority to find another, what’s with my problem of being an immature person and also due to the fact that I still have to see whether I will remain in Singapore or return to Indonesia for the following years. There are also hints given by some people not to start another relationship so quickly after breaking the last one, to “guard the feelings” of our previous significant other.

But yeah… I’ll admit that I do feel a bit lonely and jealous by the couples I see around me. I know that starting a relationship just for the sake of having a relationship is wrong, so don’t worry, I won’t jump to that. I wasn’t thinking about this at all, until just this afternoon when Netty “hinted” a person - who she thinks is a nice girl - to go for (note: for those who knows the name, DO NOT put in comments or shoutbox!). Errr… no special feelings about her either, but why is it that I always start to look at someone after others “hinted” the person to me? Like what happened after the King & Queen ceremony in last year’s youth camp, at first I was just playing King-Queen with Jambi, but somehow *I think* I got a little bit attached to her after all those “oh my dear lovely beautiful Queen” scenes. Well, maybe that’s what you got when you keep calling someone your queen for a whole year.

Fortunately of course there are still some people that I grew attracted to that was NOT hinted by someone else. Like my previous two girlfriends… and still some others. Guess I am still normal then, haha

Well then, I guess there are still some things to iron out first before thinking about this. My maturity, my future, my education first and foremost. When it’s time, I’ll ask God to help me on this, as I actually have no experience on courting someone, because I did long distance relationships with my previous two girlfriends, so I didn’t court them the common way, never knew how to ask a girl out and things like that. Maybe too late for a 22-almost-23 years old guy, huh? But when the time comes, then it’s time. When it’s not time yet, whatever you do, you will not be able to build a successful relationship - maybe due to immaturity and other issues. I’ll just wait for the time and believe that it will not be too late….

Anyways, congratulations to Maitra & Mariani who will be getting married soon with their Holy Matrimony coming up in 11 November (so the date is 11-11-2006, cool huh?). Thank you for inviting me and I am really-really sorry that I cannot be there on that day, but when I come back in February let’s have a long chat and show me your wedding photos. You two are really my “image couple” with an amazing love story. I wished that I could be like you two but it seems that I cannot. Oh well, God must have another plans in store for me… the time will come for me later to tell my own love story.