Lamenting Immaturity
Yeah right…. 
Me and my mouth should just die off… 
Why the heck do I always say and do things before thinking of the consequences?
I’m in a deep trouble now…
Damn me and my immaturity! Why the heck am I being so damn immature?
Eight days into my Purpose Driven Life readings and things have gotten worse. I know that this is probably the works of that one damn enemy trying to hinder my spiritual growth once again and breaking the union and fellowship between me and my friends, especially in this crucial time, one week before the Christmas ministry. But to know where your weak point is and yet still open it wide for your enemy’s attacks is just damn plain stupid and foolish. Here I am once again in trouble because of my short-mindedness.
My old violent self is leaking out. I have to block him in. He’s been trying to leak out since things have gotten worse in JCU and I almost blew up and punched someone. If I can’t keep him inside me, things would become bad, very bad. I can feel the dark side of me creeping up again, with the anger, hatred, rage and spirit of destruction burning within. I had some fever for quite a few hours yesterday because of this, all the negative feelings trying to break out from within the confines of my soul.
The struggle between light and darkness is a reality within me, though some people think that it’s unreal. Spiritual warfare has been existing in my life and become so plain as day ever since I was born again and met fellow believers who struggled in the same battle such as Chette and the people from FCF. The darkness keep trying to grasp and gain control over me while the light keeps repulsing all the attacks. Many times in my life, darkness won and I was forced to run away in order not to make things worse. I felt the darkness gaining over me now, but I’m not going to let him one-up me again this time. This time I have to and I am going to make it through.
Still, I don’t know why my serious self is linked with that raging self. Everytime I try to get serious and mature, he creeps in. Only when I’m in my childish and playful nature I can manage to keep myself in the light side of me. Guess I haven’t managed to win a total victory over myself. Maybe there are several areas in my life I’ve yet to surrender and give it all to Him. Things have really started to go out of hand these days and the light in me is constantly weakening day by day…
God, what to do? I can’t face this alone. Help…
i guess changing ur character is not easy no ? that’s why needs time to prepare yourself, being more godly each day and month and year. hopefully u can cope with it. more prayer.
i’m thinking of start reading purpose driven life as well.
Comment by iyem — December 20, 2006 @ 9:59 pm
Bro I know this is already solve but I want to tell you something, I think it’s the Holy Spirit speaking to me.
“satan will not destroy what is his, he will destroy what is not his”
so rejoice if you feel that satan is destroying you. For you are with God. Another good news though, God fights for your battles
Comment by Chette — December 31, 2006 @ 2:53 pm