The Forerunner Times

"A life journal by Nathan J. Elias, called under God's grace to be His forerunner and restorer for His glory."

Oh my gosh…

I have been trying all this time to lock the contents of my heart (wait, it might be that there was not even anything in my heart at all) but today my friends made me spill everything that is inside. I have been trying to hold back and plan to decide everything about this later after I have found out about my future in Singapore. I’m not going to do another long distance relationship so if eventually I have to return to Indonesia by early next year then I suppose I will not pursue the matter any further. For this reason I’ve tried to lock my heart and not let anything grow in there, because if it is true that I have to return next year and I have already grown feelings for someone, in the end, there will only be hurt, sadness and sorrow. So I closed my heart and hope the best will come, in time, from God.

But it so happened that over dinner today, don’t know how it started, the discussion started moving into the “hey, who is the girl you’re after” topic. At first it was not me who was being targetted, but in the end the ball went to me and everyone tried to pry a name from me. Do I like her? I don’t know. She seems like she is really mature and close to God while I am just someone insignificant who is still struggling with a dark past, and is only a three-years old newborn Christian still on a very long journey towards spiritual maturity. I always have low self-esteem when it went to relationships and a negative side of mine is always saying “there’s a whole lot of better guys out there, so why me?”

Then it striked me that a few moments ago in the past, the same question was asked by me towards God. Why me? There’s a whole bunch of better guys with talents and capabilities, why chose me as Your son? Why did You choose me and pulled me out of darkness instead of others? Well it was probably because God sees what is inside the heart, and He truly loves me. Maybe it will be very long before I can find true acceptance, someone who can truly accept me as who I am, no matter how dark is the past I have, no matter my weaknesses, she will be there for me, just like God has always been there for me. It is time for me to look for a serious relationship and stop fooling around. Surrendering this one to God, I hope the next one will be my final one, with me towards the end of my life.

I still don’t know why I am now thinking about her day by day, maybe that interrogation really opened up the locks in my heart (not Davy Jones’ locker, mind) and showed me what is truly inside it. I am going to miss her quite a bit though, won’t be seeing her for a while. Maybe it will be a good time to sort out my own feelings and ask God what He wants out of this and how should I go about this matter. My idea is to find a job first then think about relationships, but if God have another idea, then I am sure that it will be for my best and the good of me.

There seems to be a lot more to write, just now my mind was full, but now it is blank and I am speechless. It might be what I truly need right now. Be still, and seek God, for He said “be still and know that I am God”. Heh, I just remembered that I put ‘girlfriend for next year’ in my Christmas wish list -jokingly- several posts below. Maybe God is reading that post and now He is planning something for fulfilling that wish.

Must try to sort out my own feelings of melancholy and return to my upbeat self once again…

“Not because of who I am, but because of what You’ve done.
Not because of what I’ve done, but because of who You are.”