The Forerunner Times

"A life journal by Nathan J. Elias, called under God's grace to be His forerunner and restorer for His glory."

Yeah right….

Me and my mouth should just die off…

Why the heck do I always say and do things before thinking of the consequences?

I’m in a deep trouble now…

Damn me and my immaturity! Why the heck am I being so damn immature?

Eight days into my Purpose Driven Life readings and things have gotten worse. I know that this is probably the works of that one damn enemy trying to hinder my spiritual growth once again and breaking the union and fellowship between me and my friends, especially in this crucial time, one week before the Christmas ministry. But to know where your weak point is and yet still open it wide for your enemy’s attacks is just damn plain stupid and foolish. Here I am once again in trouble because of my short-mindedness.

My old violent self is leaking out. I have to block him in. He’s been trying to leak out since things have gotten worse in JCU and I almost blew up and punched someone. If I can’t keep him inside me, things would become bad, very bad. I can feel the dark side of me creeping up again, with the anger, hatred, rage and spirit of destruction burning within. I had some fever for quite a few hours yesterday because of this, all the negative feelings trying to break out from within the confines of my soul.

The struggle between light and darkness is a reality within me, though some people think that it’s unreal. Spiritual warfare has been existing in my life and become so plain as day ever since I was born again and met fellow believers who struggled in the same battle such as Chette and the people from FCF. The darkness keep trying to grasp and gain control over me while the light keeps repulsing all the attacks. Many times in my life, darkness won and I was forced to run away in order not to make things worse. I felt the darkness gaining over me now, but I’m not going to let him one-up me again this time. This time I have to and I am going to make it through.

Still, I don’t know why my serious self is linked with that raging self. Everytime I try to get serious and mature, he creeps in. Only when I’m in my childish and playful nature I can manage to keep myself in the light side of me. Guess I haven’t managed to win a total victory over myself. Maybe there are several areas in my life I’ve yet to surrender and give it all to Him. Things have really started to go out of hand these days and the light in me is constantly weakening day by day…

God, what to do? I can’t face this alone. Help…

If you are a CNET reader then you would probably have heard of this news…

About two weeks ago on 24 November, James Kim, 35, a senior editor at CNET for MP3 and gadgets went with his wife and two daughters for a holiday to the beach. The family was expected to return to San Francisco on November 27. When both James and Kati failed to show up for appointments on November 28, co-workers began to worry for their safety. The Kims are known for keeping in touch daily with their friends and co-workers, either by phone or e-mail. After this time, a full-scale search effort were brought out to find the missing Kim family. Until many days, nothing was heard from the family and the situation was starting to look grim. Then on the ninth day (4 December), a helicopter pilot found the Kim’s car and managed to rescue Kim’s 30-years old wife, Kati and their two daughters, Penelope (4 years) and Sabine (7 months).

It turns out that James went out of the car two days before, on the seventh day, to look for help for his family. He planned to go to the town of Galice, which he thought was four miles away but was actually closer to 15. Then the heart-wrenching story of James Kim’s ordeal began. He built a fire for Kati and his children and says that he would return by midday. Then, by 7.45am, he went out of the car and went on foot to travel the miles, hoping to save his family.

He would never return.

I just can’t imagine how it could have been for James to leave his family, looking for hope and survival, but maybe at the same time realizing that there is a chance that he might never be able to see him again. How painful it must have been for his wife Kati and his two daughters to see him walk away in the chilling snow and fade away in the distance, realizing that it might be the last image they will ever see of their beloved husband and father, though they earnestly pray that it will not happen. And can you imagine how she must have felt when she and her daughters were rescued but James was not back with them yet? When I saw the picture above, I totally cried. It potrays a great deal of emotion that speaks a thousand words. She must have been relieved that she and her daughters were safe, but at the same time she must have thought “James, we’re safe. Where are you? Come back. Please.”

But not all story would have their happy endings.

James’ body was found lying in a body of water two days after, on the eleventh day. He died of hypothermia. The local authorities said that his efforts was “superhuman”. Under a weather condition where the cold was a minus degree Celcius and the rain was strong where rescuers with protective gears cannot be out there more than 30 minutes without getting soaking wet, James, with plain clothing, walked for a little more than 16 miles before succumbing to the cold numb. His love for his family and his hope for his safety kept him moving forward until the end. The tragic part of the story was that he was only one mile away from a fishing lodge stocked with food where he could have found warmth and safety.

This is a true story of a father who gave everything for his family and this have touched the hearts of many readers across the United Stated who followed this story for the past weeks. When I saw this, I remembered Jesus. His love for us was the one thing that keep Him going until the end, until He died on the cross for us, alone and rejected. How James must also have felt and what could be the last thing that he saw and thought during his last hours? This story reminds me of the meaning of true love and sacrifice, and this time, it is so real, it is not a movie, it is not just a story, this is real, very real, just as real as you and me now.

I heard from a sermon a while ago that true love is “loving until it hurts”. That’s what sacrifice is all about. I don’t know if someday I can be a great, loving husband and father like James Kim, but I will reach out to be, as he has given to us an example. Just like our Savior who died two thousand years ago in the cross out of love (this reminds me to a scene in Narnia between Aslan and the White Witch where she said “so much for love” during Aslan’s sacrifice). Thank you James for setting to us a great example. You will be missed and may you rest in peace.

Note:
I knew James from his gadgetry video reviews on CNET. His review was the actual reason why I bought my Creative Zen Vision:M two months ago and chose it over an iPod 5.5G. A great man, I will sorely miss him…

News Stories:
Timeline | James Kim’s Path | James Kim found deceased | Wife and daughters found

Journal Entries:
In Memoriam: James Kim (1971-2006) | A story of hope and disappointment (make sure you read this!)

Dedicated to the memory of James Kim and his loved ones.

Artist: Sarah Brightman & Richard Marx
Song: The Last Words You Said
Album: The Very Best Of, 1990-2000

Somewhere in time I know,
Darling you’ll come back to me.
Roses will bloom again,
But Spring feels like eternity.
In your kiss it wasn’t goodbye.
You are still the reason why.

I can hear you whispering in the silence of my room,
My heart still surrenders like the sun to the moon.
I can barely stand this aching, burning endlessly.
“Love me now forever,”
Were the last words you said to me.

Comments:
I dunno why my mood is like this, and this just seems like the perfect song for my mood. I can’t find a place where you can listen to this song online, but I might try to think of something later so that you can. When distance separates and the mind goes blank, only a lullaby can soothe the aching heart’s emptiness. I put this song into my Winamp repeat song mode and I’ve been listening to this song more than 10 times today…..

Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.
Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart.

Chorus:
Not because of who I am,
But because of what you’ve done.
Not because of what I’ve done,
But because of who you are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,(ocean)
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I’m calling,
Lord, you catch me when I’m falling,
And you’ve told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again.
Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.

Chorus 2x

I am yours.
I am yours.

Whom shall I fear?
Whom shall I fear?
‘Cause I am yours.
I am yours.

Notes:
One of the most touching songs I have ever listened and this is why I liked Casting Crowns as their lyrics are always so touching and rooted with deep meaning. I always listen to this song when I feel like I am small and nobody, like what I am feeling right now. May this song also be a blessing for you. The complete version of this song can be listened to here.

Oh my gosh…

I have been trying all this time to lock the contents of my heart (wait, it might be that there was not even anything in my heart at all) but today my friends made me spill everything that is inside. I have been trying to hold back and plan to decide everything about this later after I have found out about my future in Singapore. I’m not going to do another long distance relationship so if eventually I have to return to Indonesia by early next year then I suppose I will not pursue the matter any further. For this reason I’ve tried to lock my heart and not let anything grow in there, because if it is true that I have to return next year and I have already grown feelings for someone, in the end, there will only be hurt, sadness and sorrow. So I closed my heart and hope the best will come, in time, from God.

But it so happened that over dinner today, don’t know how it started, the discussion started moving into the “hey, who is the girl you’re after” topic. At first it was not me who was being targetted, but in the end the ball went to me and everyone tried to pry a name from me. Do I like her? I don’t know. She seems like she is really mature and close to God while I am just someone insignificant who is still struggling with a dark past, and is only a three-years old newborn Christian still on a very long journey towards spiritual maturity. I always have low self-esteem when it went to relationships and a negative side of mine is always saying “there’s a whole lot of better guys out there, so why me?”

Then it striked me that a few moments ago in the past, the same question was asked by me towards God. Why me? There’s a whole bunch of better guys with talents and capabilities, why chose me as Your son? Why did You choose me and pulled me out of darkness instead of others? Well it was probably because God sees what is inside the heart, and He truly loves me. Maybe it will be very long before I can find true acceptance, someone who can truly accept me as who I am, no matter how dark is the past I have, no matter my weaknesses, she will be there for me, just like God has always been there for me. It is time for me to look for a serious relationship and stop fooling around. Surrendering this one to God, I hope the next one will be my final one, with me towards the end of my life.

I still don’t know why I am now thinking about her day by day, maybe that interrogation really opened up the locks in my heart (not Davy Jones’ locker, mind) and showed me what is truly inside it. I am going to miss her quite a bit though, won’t be seeing her for a while. Maybe it will be a good time to sort out my own feelings and ask God what He wants out of this and how should I go about this matter. My idea is to find a job first then think about relationships, but if God have another idea, then I am sure that it will be for my best and the good of me.

There seems to be a lot more to write, just now my mind was full, but now it is blank and I am speechless. It might be what I truly need right now. Be still, and seek God, for He said “be still and know that I am God”. Heh, I just remembered that I put ‘girlfriend for next year’ in my Christmas wish list -jokingly- several posts below. Maybe God is reading that post and now He is planning something for fulfilling that wish.

Must try to sort out my own feelings of melancholy and return to my upbeat self once again…

“Not because of who I am, but because of what You’ve done.
Not because of what I’ve done, but because of who You are.”

Thank you to Esther Timotius for this article that helped and strengthened me.
Dedicated to friends out there who are still chasing towards their spiritual maturity.

Suatu hari aku memutuskan untuk berhenti… berhenti dari pekerjaanku, berhenti dari hubunganku dengan sesama dan berhenti dari spiritualitasku. Aku pergi ke hutan untuk bicara dengan Tuhan untuk yang terakhir kalinya.

“Tuhan”, kataku. “Berikan aku satu alasan untuk tidak berhenti?”
Dia memberi jawaban yang mengejutkanku.
“Lihat ke sekelilingmu”, kataNya. “Apakah engkau memperhatikan tanaman pakis dan bambu yang ada dihutan ini?”
“Ya”, jawabku.

Lalu Tuhan berkata, “Ketika pertama kali Aku menanam mereka, Aku menanam dan merawat benih-benih mereka dengan seksama. Aku beri mereka cahaya. Aku beri mereka air. Pakis-pakis itu tumbuh dengan sangat cepat. Warna hijaunya yang menawan menutupi tanah. Namun, tidak ada yang terjadi dari benih bambu. Tapi, Aku tidak berhenti merawatnya. Dalam tahun kedua, pakis-pakis itu tumbuh lebih cepat dan lebih banyak lagi. Namun, tetap tidak ada yang terjadi dari benih bambu. Tetapi Aku tidak menyerah terhadapnya. ”

“Dalam tahun ketiga tetap tidak ada yang tumbuh dari benih bambu itu, tapi Aku tetap tidak menyerah. Begitu juga dengan tahun ke empat. ”

“Lalu pada tahun ke lima, sebuah tunas yang kecil muncul dari dalam tanah. Bandingkan dengan pakis, itu kelihatan begitu kecil dan sepertinya tidak berarti. Namun enam bulan kemudian, bambu ini tumbuh dengan mencapai ketinggian lebih dari 100 kaki. Dia membutuhkan waktu lima tahun untuk menumbuhkan akar-akarnya. Akar-akar itu membuat dia kuat dan memberikan apa yang dia butuhkan untuk bertahan. Aku tidak akan memberikan ciptaanku tantangan yang tidak bisa mereka tangani. ”

“Tahukan engkau anakKu, dari semuawaktu pergumulanmu, sebenarnya engkau sedang menumbuhkan akar-akarmu? Aku tidak menyerah terhadap bambu itu. Aku juga tidak akan pernah menyerah terhadapmu. ”

Tuhan berkata “Jangan bandingkan dirimu dengan orang lain. Bambu-bambu itu memiliki tujuan yang berbeda dibandingkan dengan pakis. Tapi keduanya tetap membuat hutan ini menjadi lebih indah.”

“Saat mu akan tiba”, Tuhan mengatakanitu kepadaku. “Engkau akan tumbuh sangat tinggi”
“Seberapa tinggi aku harus bertumbuh?” tanyaku.
“Sampai seberapa tinggi bambu-bambu itu dapat tumbuh?” Tuhan balik bertanya.
“Setinggi yang mereka mampu?” Aku bertanya.
“Ya.” jawabNya, “Muliakan Aku dengan pertumbuhan mu, setinggi yang engkau dapat capai.”

Lalu aku pergi meninggalkan hutan itu, menyadari bahwa Allah tidak akan pernah menyerah terhadap ku. Dan Dia juga tidak akan pernah menyerah terhadap Anda. Jangan pernah menyesali hidup yang saat ini Anda jalani sekalipun itu hanya untuk satu hari. Hari-hari yang baik memberikan kebahagiaan; hari-hari yang kurang baik memberikan pengalaman; kedua-duanya memberi arti bagi kehidupan ini.

Written and received when I was thinking about my own spiritual growth that seems so slow…